January 2012
1 post
5 tags
“If God had a doorbell, it would be Hans Zimmer’s music.”
October 2011
5 posts
“If you name your child after a mode of transportation, something you can...”
– Commenting on names like, “Mercedes, Hope, Celestial”
2 tags
“If you couldn’t eat candy you’d want to watch things die too.”
– Why Wilford Brimley advocates cockfighting.
“I am so tired of people telling me about the problems of the world that I just...”
“Why can’t people just stand around, stare at the ground, and wait to die,...”
“I don’t talk to anyone named Christina, mostly because they have social...”
September 2011
7 posts
3 tags
“I feel like I just sucked off an AIDS patient while watching Two and a Half Men.”
– After listening to the supergroup, “Lulu”
“Ted Nugent right after he wakes up.”
– Who his spirit animal would be
“Anything red comes up, call your doctor. Actually, you better book your...”
– I was coughing. Profusely. He was concerned.
“He started a cult, made people believe he was Jesus, and made them make him pie....”
– Why his dream is to be like David Koresh, “minus the whole burning to death thing.”
“Singing “Ode to Joy” but replacing every word with...”
“Any kind of packaging with a cartoon character on it. “Oh look, that cat...”
– Explaining my diet
“I can’t justify putting that amount of money in my body unless it’s...”
– Why he won’t eat at Ruth’s Chris Steak house.
October 2010
1 post
4 tags
“You know how much chicks like puppies, right? I breed puppies, and rent them out...”
– His new business venture, “Poon Puppies”
August 2010
2 posts
2 tags
“You’re… you’re hoping it’s cow.”
– Explaining exactly what “Grade E” beef is.
2 tags
The Doomwich (Revised)
Two all beef 1/4 pounder Grade ‘E’ patties. Three pieces of cheese: colby, pepper jack, and cheddar… cause they’re the worst. For each patty: three strips of bacon, lettuce, tomato, and fried onion. And on each burger stack, a glop of BBQ pulled pork which will sit within the onion ring as a filling.
To separate the two patties, a sausage and cheese egg omelette is shoved...
July 2010
2 posts
1 tag
“Orson Welles rocked fat like no one else could.”
1 tag
“Michael Phelps is the epitome of an American: A steriod-baby that works out all...”
February 2010
1 post
“…just look at these post-apocalyptic movies: Zombieland, The Road, City of...”
– His logic on why his 7-part Fist of the North Star movie idea would do well at the box office.
January 2010
1 post
“FebRUary? Come on, it sounds like you’ve got a dick in your mouth. I do...”
– Why he calls it, “Febuary.”
December 2009
3 posts
1 tag
Duke: I was the lamest kid.
Me: I was pretty lame too. I was a stupid kid.
Duke: Oh, well, all kids are stupid. The smart ones are in jail right now. Too much intelligence at a young age. They turned into super-villains.
2 tags
“It’s like a deep-fried twinkie. It’s awful. It’s awful for...”
– after watching Ninja Assassin.
2 tags
“It’s like watching a real-time abortion.”
– his review of 10000 B.C.
November 2009
3 posts
3 tags
He will follow me one day.
me: add me on le twitter.
duke: no
me: yes
duke: not happening
duke: only using it to follow updates on websites i frequent
duke: the end
me: yes
duke: no
duke: not updating it, not checking friends updates unless it relates to a website
duke: NO
duke: NO
duke: NO
duke: NO
duke: NO
me: i have a website
duke: but i dont frequent it and the only care i have for it relates to my hope for ur success, not cuz i give a shit about ur website
me: yes
duke: discussion over
me: BE MY FRIEND
duke: i am ur friend, what i am not is ur internet hype person
(a minute or two later)
duke: so sup
me: sad
duke: not adding u
me: COME ON
duke: no
duke: never
1 tag
Me: You never use capitals, do you?
Duke: not a fan, no
3 tags
Why he will give his daughter the middle name of...
“I figured though if I named her aerith my son Sephiroth might go apeshit and smother her with a pillow. I was thinking about naming her Lockheart but then I remembered Tifa was a whore.”
October 2009
2 posts
2 tags
“Kindness and failure.”
– What Canadians would taste like.
2 tags
“Oh dear, sweet, merciful God on his cross. He got the award for TRYING to get...”
– On Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
September 2009
8 posts
2 tags
I didn't want to do my homework.
Duke: Talking to you is like trying to get a kid to eat their vegetables.
Duke: "If I put cheese on it will you eat it?"
Duke: "Mayyyyybe."
2 tags
Duke: lets try an experiment
Duke: socialism is a joke and canada is the punchline
Duke: and now we wait
4 tags
Duke: i swear i need to be a pundit
Duke: i made a canadian second guess socialism
Duke: thats like getting karl marx to shop at walmart
5 tags
Response to a re-blog
Messihr: Dear Dipshit, first off I am from the states
Messihr: 2 if you guys have it so good why do most canadians and Europeans make the trek to the states to get surgery,
Messihr: 3) if you guys have it so good why is my friends painful, dust related death not being properly treated by her care giver (i think it has something to do with the fact that he ain't getting paid, so in turn he doesn't give a shit. I wouldnt) and
Messihr: 4) why are my conversations with people on facebook ending up on your webpage, get a life, get laid, and get the hell away from my facebook chat-logs creeper.
2 tags
“You call them up, pay for a burger and they eat it over the phone. You’re...”
– “Out-source burgers”
3 tags
“Paying for homework is like sucking your uncle’s dick to get fucked in the...”
– Why he shouldn’t have to pay money to access his online homework.
3 tags
“I was wondering if you could make a cheeseburger out of bacon, but it...”
2 tags
“Two all beef, 1/4lb patties covered in bacon, french fried onions, three kinds...”
– The Big “Oh” Burger (the doomwich), by Duke Manning.